Adoption papers arrived today

Today, we received two packets from the adoption agency we will likely use.

One packet contained the formal application for international adoption. I started looking it over but did not filling anything out. I don't know why adoption frightens me so much. The thought of all those shots, potential physical pain from procedures, and even emotional pain of failure some how seems easier than the emotional pain of getting attached to a living child only to have the adoption process fail.

The other packet was for embryo adoption. My husband and I have discussed that if we create more embryos (children) than I can carry and care for, we would would consider putting them up for adoption. This decision is much easier for him than for me. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of 1) having more than enough healthy embryos and 2) being able to give the chance to have a child to another infertile couple. I just think I will forever wonder, how is the child - would I be able to recognize him or her on the street..in heaven..will he/she understand why we could not keep him/her. For the first time, however, I thought about adopting an embryo. The thought of it before today, honestly never entered my mind.

The one thing that I really do not like about infertility (well there is lots of things) but for right now - it is all the REALLY difficult decisions that have to be made. I am so envious of those couples that get to make a child the traditional way. No signing of consent for storage of your embryos, or releasing your rights to them in the case of divorce, death, etc...no wondering if one choice is more selfish than another choice...no worrying about all the money that it is going to cost you just to get a child (by whatever means it happens) and then still having to worry about financially supporting that child after they God-willing arrive (the 10-20K spent on artificially conceiving/adopting the child that could have gone to a college fund)...no worrying about if you are forcing your will over God's will...no worrying about if you are making morally correct decisions.

There are times when I am so frustrated and sad about this journey, but I HAVE TO remember that although it is difficult I MUST BE GRATEFUL for it. It has already strengthened my relationship with God and I believe that is bringing my husband closer to God as well.

But right now I am still waiting for the answer of what we are supposed to do.

I will get to pretend and imagine what it would be like to be pregnant around Thanksgiving. I just volunteered today to play Mary in the Living Nativity in front of our small town's courthouse. My loving husband will play Joseph and I am hoping that the girls may be able to play Angels that night. We did it last year and were the Inn Keepers, but this year I specifically asked if I could be Mary. I don't what it was, but I felt that I was supposed to play her this year - perhaps it is God's way of letting me experience being pregnant in His own special way.