Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Just took my prenatal vitamin. I don't like taking these right now. It feels like I will be that much more disappointed if the IVF does not work. Yet, I do it anyway just in case.

It looks like we should start the IVF cycle in December. I am both excited and nervous about the whole process. Excited about the possibility of finally having my own child and feeling what it is like to be pregnant. I also feel terrified about all the shots, potential side effects, and worst of all that after getting my hopes up it wont work.

We also have our pre-approval in for a Christian adoption agency and will go to the information meeting in January. I am still waiting to "hear" God's voice about what we are supposed to do. Both feel so right and honestly, I can think of nothing better than to give birth to a child and adopt one at the same time. If only we had unlimited financial resources, I would do both in a heartbeat.

I have been spending a lot of time in the woods lately. It is my time to escape all the stress of infertility (IF) and dealing with an ex-spouse's really really poor parenting choices (that is the MOST difficult thing about step-parenting - loving the kids as if they are your own and having virtually no say in half their upbringing). But mostly, I pray while I sit in my tree-stand. I give thanks for the beauty that is around me, pray for my family, pray for the other people I meet struggling with IF, and pray for peace (my own, others, and for the world).

On Friday night, I got treated to quite a show. Two fawns came in, a button-buck and a doe fawn. The milled about and ate. I can't explain to those that have not experienced it, how cool it is to see deer so close (with 5-10 yards). After they finished eating, they each took turns licking each other's faces. It was very sweet. Then the little button-buck decided he was going to act like a grown -up buck and began thrashing the tree (a tiny little sapling). It is the pre-rut right now, so the bucks are making rubs (where they rub their antlers and scrape bark off the tree to mark territory and let females know they are in the area) and scrapes (where they scrape all the leaves away to expose a patch of dirt which they then scent mark). So this little guy, makes his first rub as I said on the skinniest of trees (I actually giggled a little out loud when he did it), then he went over to a larger tree and tried, but really just hit his head. He made a few scrapes and one more rub before leaving. It is just awesome (and funny) to get to watch that.

It is hard to feel sorry for myself regarding IF struggles and other irritations when I have been so blessed to be able to do and see the things like I did on Friday night and on top of all that have a partner in my life to share it all with - I just need to keep reminding myself of that sometimes.

No comments: