Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Feeling Hopeless Today

I had a really tough night last night. I woke up around 4am feeling so totally hopeless in everything. I sat there for a half hour trying to fall back asleep, but eventually started crying and then woke up my husband. I felt terrible for waking him up because he was so exhausted. You see, he just defended his dissertation proposal earlier that day. I was very proud and happy for him. But at the same time, depressed for myself. I defended my dissertation proposal almost two and a half years ago, but have made very little progress with regard to the actual dissertation. It is not for lack of trying, it just seems that I cannot get the necessary support to actually make the project happen (funding, academic, etc.). So in the middle of the night (because that is when these things happen), I was filled with fear that I will never finish and fear that if I do find another project - it will be so lame that I will never be able to get another job at a top institution (should we need to move).

Eventually that fear was transferred onto my infertility struggles. What if we can't get pregnant. What if adoption doesn't work out. What am I going to do if I can never realize my biggest dream - that of becoming a mother - and then I don't even have a career to fill part of that hole.

Yesterday, I fell to my knees praying to God that he blesses me with a child. I then prayed that if that is not His will, that he takes this desire from me.

I was still depressed this morning, so I decided to clean my office (cheer myself up with clean surroundings). I was clearing off my desk when I noticed that my notepad was turned over. I turned it right-side up and could see that something was written on the sheet just beneath the top one. It said, " I love you!". My stepdaughters were in my office yesterday and the oldest had left me a secret note. It made my day. I am still fearful, but I know I am loved by my family, my friends, and of course God and that no matter what happens - it will be okay.

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